i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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