I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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