i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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