Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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