I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
