I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
