i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
