did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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