In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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