I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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