I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
