Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
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There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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