Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
