what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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