Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
