Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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