Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i think my cat just said my name.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
