You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
