wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
