I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
