You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
