One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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