I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
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Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?