You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.