the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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