Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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