I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
