I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
