GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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