Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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