you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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