It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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