saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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