I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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