Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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