Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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