I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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