I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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