In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
