According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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