Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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