70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
