So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
