I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
