The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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