ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
