I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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