you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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