OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
