did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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