I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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