my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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