none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
