"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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