Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
