Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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