I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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